Pam Ayres was born in Stanford in the Vale, Berkshire, now administered as part of Oxfordshire. You see, we are the 'oldies' now We need to stay inside If they haven't seen us for a while They'll think we've upped and died. Would you forgive your boyfriend if he said this to you? What a woman. or debate this issue live on our message boards. No comments have so far been submitted. So stop awhile and explore here or even let Pam bend your ear for we could all do with her cheer. About Lockdown – by Pam Ayres I'm normally a social girl I love to meet my mates But lately with the virus here We can't go out the gates. Well I just cannot say, My ghastliest fears are rampaging away, I fret, while pretending to savour the drive, Are flames licking round my Chanel No 5?And mentally, throughout the show and applause, I check our insurance to look for the clause, That says any payout is shrouded in doubt, If you don’t turn your tongs off before you go out.Is my beautiful bathroom now swirling in smoke? Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money Poem by Pam Ayres.It was Christmas Eve on a Friday The shops was full of cheer, With tinsel in the windows, I still love so many Please Mrs Butler and Heard it in the Playground poems. Yes, I'm going to kill my husband, I shall have him to be sure, He's never going to curse my navigation any more. So, seeking for further amusement They paid and went into the zoo Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els And old ale and sandwiches too. This is a select list of the best famous Pam Ayres poetry. Looking back to Lockdown#1 from Lockdown#2. Choose a poem They Should Have Asked My Husband Down The Line Yes I’ll Marry You My Dear Woodland Burial Here is a selection from her new collection. A brilliant poem as funny as all her poems are! I could bite!If I'd known I was paving the way,To cavities, caps and decay,The murder of fiIlin'sInjections and drillin'sI'd have thrown all me sherbet away.So I lay in the old dentist's chair,And I gaze up his nose in despair,And his drill it do whine,In these molars of mine,"Two amalgum," he'll say, "for in there. Homework! Always at my journey’s end, when I was flat and lonely. You see, we are the ‘oldies’ now. Pam Ayres was born in 1947 in Berkshire and left Faringdon Secondary Modern School at the age of 15. Pa said, "Am I sure? "So Mr and Mrs RamsbottomQuite rightly, when all's said and doneComplained to the Animal Keeper That the lion had eaten their son. Best Famous Pam Ayres Poems. Not me!". Featuring a mix of new and classic poems and monologues, Pam’s unique style has made her a firm favourite with audiences both in the UK and throughout the world. Pam Ayres: In Her Own Words. Pam Ayres is absolutely essential to British humour. Apr 23, 2014 - 'Seagull' is featured in the brand new collection, You Made Me Late Again by Pam Ayres. Poets; Poems; Sign Up; Login; POET'S PAGE; POEMS; Pam Ayres. Dd really likes Please Mrs Butler and Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes. There were one great big lion called Wallace His nose were all covered with scarsHe lay in a som-no-lent postureWith the side of his face to the bars.Now Albert had heard about lions How they were ferocious and wildAnd to see Wallace lying so peaceful Well... it didn't seem right to the child. And if we hear a knocking And it’s creepy and it’s late, I hand you the torch you … But Mother had turned a bit awkward When she thought where her Albert had goneShe said, "No! She had written the foreword to a book written by June Lewis who like her lived in the Cotswolds as we did then. Did I flick off the switch? 10But I wished I had nt when teacher said, Now, Dorothy, tell if you can. For I thought of my doll andsakes alive!I answered, Mary Ann!, the homework one is looking like a hit at the moment, I remember learning this poem by Shel Silverstein at about that age:"I cannot go to school today"Said little Peggy Ann McKay. 16 Nov, 2020. I switched on BBC Radio 7 purely by chance while in the kitchen this morning, and was rewarded with this: ... poems. It’s boiling! Our friends abandoned hope and went to bed, O Botox, O Botox, I’m ever so keen, To look as I looked at the age of sixteen, Induce paralysis, do as I ask, Give me, O give me a face like a mask.O take up a surgical bicycle pump, And give me some lips that are lovely and plump, Young men will stagger and say ‘Oh my God! Recent posts by Shirleypoppy. This is page 1 of 1 (This thread has 12 messages.). "Give me the camera, quick, oh quick!He's crawling out of the duckweed. The keeper was quite nice about it He said, "What a nasty mishap Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?" We’re seeing a musical play!Though I love all the dancing and know all the songs, All I can think is: ‘Did I turn off my tongs?’Did I turn off the tongs? Which of course would make us even later. funny; Comments about Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money. A collection of the poetry of Pam Ayres, this book offers an amalgamation of all her published works. Now, as my key turns in the lock, the sound I miss the most of all. Poet Pam Ayres is a bit of a national treasure. See more ideas about poems, verses, funny poems. I wish I'd been that much more willin' When I had more tooth there than fillin' To pass up gobstoppers, From respect to me choppers And to buy something else with me shillin'. It is blacker than the night. by Pam Ayres Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth, And spotted the perils beneath, All the toffees I chewed, And the sweet sticky food, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth. But lately with the virus here we can’t go out the gates. Oh, homework!You're giving me fits. Reading, writing, and enjoying famous Pam Ayres poetry (as well as classical and contemporary poems) is a great past time. by Pam Ayres I am going to kill my husband, I have stuck all I can stick, His constant criticising is getting on my wick. The Works contains 120 of Pam Ayres' best-known poems from the 1970s and 1980s, including The Battery Hen; Please Will You Take Your Children Home Before I Do Them In? "Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller I think it's a shame and a sin For a lion to go and eat Albert And after we've paid to come in!" We need laughter in our lives just now and Pam is a master at this. She says that she wrote them to be proclaimed out loud with gusto. Roger McGough, I've always loved this oneI STUDIED my tables over and over, and backward and forward, too; But I could nt remember six times nine, and I did nt know what to do, Till sister told me to play with my doll, and not to bother my head. Pam Ayres on Gardening. The manager wanted no trouble He took out his purse right away And said, "How much to settle the matter?" Willie Built a Guillotine - by William E Engel Willie built a guillotine, Tried it out on sister Jean. Laughed and cried in equal measure. So I took my favorite, Mary Ann (though I thought t was a dreadful shame 5To give such a perfectly lovely child such a perfectly horrid name), And I called her my dear little Fifty-four a hundred times, till I knew The answer of six times nine as well as the answer of two times two. Get the right poem for your girl friend or best friend on their birthday and more. “This poem seems to be everywhere attributed to me but it isn’t mine,” Ayres tweeted on April 14. . Part of the Daily Mail, The Mail on Sunday & Metro Media Group. Poetry4kids.com - we were in stitches, especially the one about the toughest baker, My favourite is The Lion and Albert - a monologue originally.There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,That's noted for fresh-air and fun, And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom Went there with young Albert their son. To think this woman was just being a dick/trying to make things hard for people who are distancing? Enjoy Oh. So I lie in the old dentist’s chair, And I gaze up his nose in despair, And his drill it do whine, In these molars of mine, “Two amalgam,” he’ll say, “for in there.”. If you call her Fifty-four for a while, you ll learn it by heart, she said. What's that you say?You say today is .............. Saturday?G'bye, I'm going out to play!". Oh, Homework!by Jack Prelutsky============ Homework! Well I'm just going to slump, With my dowager's hump And watch myself turn into lard. Share your comments. Oh, homework!I hate you! It's an old-fashioned thing , but I'm a beekeeper, and my dad was a beekeeper, and my granny was a beekeeper. Yes, I’ll Marry You by Pam Ayres is one of our favourite wedding poems… “Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear. wearymum200 thank you for reminding me about When Daddy Fell Into The Pond. THE DOLLY ON THE DUSTCART - Pam Ayres Poems : Poems » pam ayres » the dolly on the dustcart. * * *They've locked all the doorsand they've put out the bat,Put on their batjamas(They like doing that)They've filled their batwater-bottlesmade their batbeds,With two springy battressesfor sleepy batheads.They're closing red eyesand they're counting black sheep,Batman and Robinare falling asleep. Her things are still around me, I have left them all alone. To tell my friend I don't want her "birthday gift"? THE DOLLY ON THE DUSTCART I'm the dolly on the dustcart, ... Modern children like so much, I'm one of those hard old dollies, What are very cold to touch, Modern dolly's underwear, Leaves me a … See more ideas about poems, funny poems, verses. If they haven’t seen us for a while. Are the tippy tappy toenails as they skidded down the hall. I'd rather take bathswith a man-eating shark,or wrestle a lionalone in the dark,eat spinach and liver,pet ten porcupines,than tackle the homeworkmy teacher assigns. The sky was grey.We had nothing to do and nothing to say.We were nearing the end of a dismal day,And there seemed to be nothing beyond,THENDaddy fell into the pond!And everyone's face grew merry and bright,And Timothy danced for sheer delight. They’ll think we’ve upped and died. But all my careful plans have gone to pot. Here is a selection from her new collection. He takes it all for granted, but tonight I can relax, For the minute he complains, I shall whop him with the axe. We are no longer accepting comments on this article. Pam Ayres celebrates 30 years in show business with her one-woman show which was recorded live at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham in 2005. Pam Ayres poems, quotations and biography on Pam Ayres poet page. Here are some of Pam’s popular poems. Why not be the first to send us your thoughts, Round they went to the Police Station In front of a Magistrate chapThey told 'im what happened to Albert And proved it by showing his cap.The Magistrate gave his o-pinionThat no-one was really to blame He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms Would have further sons to their name.At that Mother got proper blazing "And thank you, sir, kindly," said she"What waste all our lives raising childrenTo feed ruddy lions? I met her a few years ago at a book launch. The days are slowly passing since I found her still and prone. Her poems take a humorous and honest look at life's pleasures and tribulations and includes such poems as Oh I Wish I'd Looked After me Teeth and Do You Think Bruce Springsteen Would Fancy Me?. I’m normally a social girl. by Pam Ayres Will I have to be sexy at sixty? We need to stay inside. . BBC Radio, September 2018 BIOGRAPHY Pam Ayres has been a writer, broadcaster, and entertainer for over 40 years. PAM AYRES – Poem about the coronavirus. In the jingle of her collar and ecstatic doggy smile. A hairy tartan blanket in her basket on the floor. Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence And didn't know what to do nextSaid, "Mother! by Pam Ayres, published by Ebury Press, price £16.99. You could see that the lion didn't like itFor giving a kind of a rollHe pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im And swallowed the little lad... whole! “WOODLAND BURIAL”: a poem by Pam Ayers Don’t lay me in some gloomy churchyard shaded by a wall Where the dust of ancient bones has spread a dryness over all, Jun 10, 2019 - Verses about everyday things that annoy or delight us all. Here comes Pam Ayres…and she looks like a cod!’. To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet. If I had found indifference in every place I went. They will burn through the worktop and into the drawer, If they haven’t already set fire to the floor.I can smell it, can smell the most acrid of pongs, As my carpet dissolves under hot curling tongs, I can hear it, the hiss and the roar and the crackle, An inferno out of my hairdressing tackle.Oh, please, as I twiddled the hair round my face, When every last twiddle was twiddled in place, Did I put the equipment back where it belongs? I loved it as a child but had forgotten it till today. Read all poems of Pam Ayres and infos about Pam Ayres. Oh, homework!I hate you! I will always remember her infectious sense of humour. And here’s the reason why: So I can push you out of bed When the baby starts to cry. Oh, homework!You're last on my list.I simply can't seewhy you even exist.If you just disappearedit would tickle me pink.Homework! This is a list of the I am a battery hen, on me back theres not a germ, I … “It’s by Jan Beaumont.” Indeed, Beaumont originally posted the poem on Facebook on March 27. I know shes a patron of the BHWT but didnt know shed written a poem to them. Amazon.co.uk: pam ayres poems Select Your Cookie Preferences We use cookies and similar tools to enhance your shopping experience, to provide our services, understand how customers use our services so we can make improvements, and display ads. A little greasy collar, a yellow rubber bone. Don’t say you’re going to eat another snack. Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too. It’s the silence. Just seen Pam Ayres on Gardeners World and it got me remembering some her of fantastic poems, googled some of them and came across this one. Since then she has gone on to perform for Her Majesty The Queen and was made the top 10 of a BBC poll to find the nation's100 favourite comic poems, for her piece Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth. The music of her tippy tappy doggy dancing feet. This poem is related to. Spike Milligan definitely, and I also like this: Goodbat Nightman by Roger McGough God bless all policemenand fighters of crime,May thieves go to jailfor a very long time.They've had a hard dayhelping clean up the town,Now they hang from the mantelpieceboth upside down.A glass of warm bloodand then straight up the stairs,Batman and Robinare saying their prayers. I went to buy a lipstick, and I hoped for some advice, On choosing an attractive shade, to make my face look nice, I stepped up to the counter in my trainers and my mack, But the sales assistant saw me and she vanished out the back.She was absolutely flawless and an advertiser’s dream, She was icy as a glacier and chic in the extreme, I was clearly not the customer that she desired to meet, I could have been some reptile that had crawled in off the street.And I thought I’d find the manager and have a little word, In favour of an altogether craggier old bird, Some game old gal who’s been around the block a time or three, Who is fending off the years and has a waist as thick as me.An understanding confidante with whom you could relax, Who knows the way that lipstick tends to bleed into the cracks, A saviour for those of us who know our youth is past, To show us all the tricks and keep us fighting to the last. For the music it is missing, and my home is incomplete. Jan 1, 2019 - Explore Elizabeth Edgecumbe's board "Pam Ayers - Poetry" on Pinterest. Pam Ayres, ‘Oh, I Wish I’d Looked After Me Teeth’. So straight 'way the brave little feller Not showing a morsel of fearTook 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle And pushed it in Wallace's ear! Autumn 2020. A grand little lad was their AlbertAll dressed in his best; quite a swell 'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle The finest that Woolworth's could sell.They didn't think much to the oceanThe waves, they was fiddlin' and small There was no wrecks... nobody drownded'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all. someone's got to be summonsed"So that were decided upon. Mail on Sunday I keep smiling, remembering moments performed by the incredible Pam Ayres at the Curve Theatre Leicester last night. You stink! Here is a collection of the all-time best famous Pam Ayres poems. Taken from You Made Me Late Again! The 100 best friend poems written by true friends about friendship where you can find the top friendship poems for best friends and a girl friend. There was something in the welcome; there was something in her style. Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money by Pam Ayres. Poet Pam Ayres (Image: Loughborough Town Hall). How disproportionate; so great a loss for one so small. Next day Elizabeth Wigglesworth, who always acts so proud, Said, Six times nine is fifty-two, and I nearly laughed aloud! That little dog convinced me I was someone’s one and only. We could have sailed there, calm and sweet. How grievous is the emptiness on entering the hall. After leaving Faringdon Secondary School at the age of 15, she joined the Civil Service as a clerical assistant and worked at the Army (RAOC) Central Ordnance Depot in Bicester . From which she sprang to terrify all knockers at the door. To order a copy for £14.99, with free p&p, contact the YOU Bookshop on 0844 472 4157 (you-bookshop.co.uk). "How I laughed at my Mother's false teeth,As they foamed in the waters beneath,But now comes the reckonin'It's me they are beckonin'Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.When Daddy fell into the pond by Alfred NoyesEveryone grumbled. With her witty ditties full of humour and heart, Pam Ayres has been one of the nation's favourite poets for four decades. Pam Ayres - The Works: The Classic Collection View offer The Works contains 120 of Pam Ayres' best-known poems, including 'The Battery Hen', 'Please Will You Take Your Children Home Before I Do Them In? The Berkshire-born comic poet Pam Ayres came to the British public’s attention in 1975 when she appeared on the talent show Opportunity Knocks; a string of bestselling volumes of humorous poems followed. For details of Pam’s current and future theatre tours, visit pamayres.com. For one so small “ this poem seems to be everywhere attributed to me but it ’. 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